Change

Change.  The only thing that is constant.  Everything changes.  The season, people, the decisions we make.  They all change.  The question is are we willing to accept change? Sure change is inevitable and the more we resist change the more difficult it is to cope with. What if we change that? What if we go against change? Will we succeed eventually in opposing change? Or will we succumb and let change finally rule us?

When Lightning Strikes

You would think all the self help books you've read and all the inspirational programs you've seen on TV would prepare you for the worse? Nah...it won't. When you are faced with something you never expected and literally feel the blood drain from your body, all you will ever wish for is someone to hold your hand. However, I think having someone to console you at that very moment when you hear a surprising news will do more damage.  We tend to get overly dramatic and emotional when we know someone is out there looking after us.

Endocervical hyperplasia with severe atypia. Hmmm...at least I don't see dreaded words like carcinoma. sarcoma and all those other "nomas". This was what was going through my mind when I got my biopsy results. Let's see what my doctor has to say. So I stare at her, waiting for signs, will she frown, shake her head, sigh? Will she smile? She read the result and said..."You need to have a hysterectomy"

WHAT? Hysterectomy? Me? In all my thirty something glory go through a hysterectomy? Oh my...I'm hypertensive, I might faint, my blood pressure was 140/90...I have to breath. When I finally got my composure back, my first thoughts were my parents, then my kids, then work. Sadness started creeping in and when things started to settle and I was breathing normally I felt the sudden urge to plunge myself head on and tackle this temporary setback like I always do or like I would always want to, like an intelligent, practical and strong person. Not afraid to acknowledge the emotions I am going through yet still in touch with the fact that paying too much attention to my emotions will not help.  Besides,  I have a strong support system. Enough to shelter me from the storm, to temporarily shield me from thunder and lightning.

BFF

I feel sad at how some people can just easily erase you from their lives.  It's as if you never existed.  It's as if the late night conversations over coffee never happened.  It's probably me,  I put too much importance on friendship.  I admit I am possessive and overly protective of my friends.  And I know it's wrong to expect the same treatment from them.  But for crying out load,  you don't dump a good friend just because of a single stroke of good luck or just because someone is currently taking much of your time and attention. I hope you're reading this.  Just so you know how I feel.  Don't worry,  I am know for my loyalty.  I'll be around just like a true friend should.

After A Year

I was supposed to write this a day or two before my birthday but I guess the procrastinator in me won over my desire to write. 

Is it just me but I always feel melancholic before my birthday?  I also start to feel this way as Christmas approaches.  So what I'd usually do so as not to dampen my mood,  is to do an evaluation of what has happened the past year.  More like an annual report.  My gains, my loses, my current net worth, my liabilities.  I list all of them down and then stare at it. It's funny because after staring at it I toss it in the waste basket.  Probably because the past year no longer means anything to me.  But as the wiser ones would say....history teaches us a lot of things. 

I have unravelled the past year and I've seen how selfish I can be.  At the same time I found out that I have very high tolerance for pain.  I got promoted last year and now I wonder,  where has all the drive and passion gone? I've met new friends, reconnected with old ones and strengthened existing relationships.  And I came to realize that I'm addicted to social networking sites.  Thank God for them.

Like everyone else, I have no idea what the coming year has in store for me.  However,  I want the coming year to be less stressful and less dramatic.  I'll travel more..with or without companions.  I'll try to quit smoking and limit my alcohol intake...but I'll still party like crazy. A year from now...I'll read this blog again and re evaluate...and maybe just maybe I've turned into a better person.

Gloom

Call me weird but I really love gloomy weather.  There's a storm brewing on the horizon and all I could think off is the sound of the first rainfall hitting the roof.  I look forward to the scent of dry parched land slowly being drenched by water and I can't wait for my soul to be nourished by beef nilaga (beef slowly simmered in broth with tons of vegetables and potatoes) or champorado (chocolate flavored porridge) matched with salted dry fish.  I intend to stay indoors,  I'll get a good book and slowly slide myself inside the comforter and slowly let the gloom rock me to dreamland. Hmmmmmm......

Cars

I’m watching my 3 year old son sprawled on the floor with an ocean of toy cars of different colors and sizes. He scratches his head as if trying to decide which one he would pick then glances at me and asks me “Mommy which one?” I stare back at him and was tempted to say “the red one” or the “big yellow one”, but before I could open my mouth, he blurts out “this one nalang” then grabs a blue plastic corvette with one wheel missing and hugs the tiny toy and smiles a smile of adoration “this is my favorite”.


I wish life was as simple as choosing which toy car am I going to play with today. Will I look at the color? It’s make? How new is it? How expensive it is? Or will I choose the old beaten up one? The one missing a wheel?

How I wish people would also look at me based on my worth, my value and not how I look, how firm and flawless I am or how popular I am. Well, it’s a wish. If people were the opposite I wouldn’t be wishing.

As sceptic as I may seem to be, I still haven’t given up. There will be someone out there like my 3 year old son. Someone who will see past through the physical and the obvious and see the comfort and familiarity of choosing the old battered, beaten but reliable, tried and tested car.

Just don’t take that long to notice and decide, I might be taken out with the garbage.

Masochism

I have started putting my life back in order and have considered looking at getting into a relationship.  The presumptive me thought maybe things will be different this time.  As expected,  I was wrong.  I wrote the blog to vent out my emotions.

I am baffled by my capacity to see beyond someone’s flaw and love despite of. I don’t usually write about feelings, especially if it involves mine. I’d rather stick to the usual observations around me. This time though, I have this urge to talk about me probably due to the lack of someone cerebral I could relate with.


Often times I am seen as someone stoic. Unaffected, always with something logical to say. These past few days though I have witnessed my transformation from someone who is unmoved by circumstances to a being capable of actually showing some emotion.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not numb to what is going on around me. It’s just that I have learned to shield myself from all emotional attachment because of fear of being hurt.

However, Thursday was a humbling experience. Bringing me to terms with my humanity and the fact that no matter how hard I try to pretend that I am not capable of committing the same mistake, I will over and over.

Will I really learn? Or have I turned into a masochist? I think I will never learn….being hurt is such a sweet punishment.

So for now……I will just relish the sweet sweet sensation of getting hurt.