After A Year

I was supposed to write this a day or two before my birthday but I guess the procrastinator in me won over my desire to write. 

Is it just me but I always feel melancholic before my birthday?  I also start to feel this way as Christmas approaches.  So what I'd usually do so as not to dampen my mood,  is to do an evaluation of what has happened the past year.  More like an annual report.  My gains, my loses, my current net worth, my liabilities.  I list all of them down and then stare at it. It's funny because after staring at it I toss it in the waste basket.  Probably because the past year no longer means anything to me.  But as the wiser ones would say....history teaches us a lot of things. 

I have unravelled the past year and I've seen how selfish I can be.  At the same time I found out that I have very high tolerance for pain.  I got promoted last year and now I wonder,  where has all the drive and passion gone? I've met new friends, reconnected with old ones and strengthened existing relationships.  And I came to realize that I'm addicted to social networking sites.  Thank God for them.

Like everyone else, I have no idea what the coming year has in store for me.  However,  I want the coming year to be less stressful and less dramatic.  I'll travel more..with or without companions.  I'll try to quit smoking and limit my alcohol intake...but I'll still party like crazy. A year from now...I'll read this blog again and re evaluate...and maybe just maybe I've turned into a better person.

Gloom

Call me weird but I really love gloomy weather.  There's a storm brewing on the horizon and all I could think off is the sound of the first rainfall hitting the roof.  I look forward to the scent of dry parched land slowly being drenched by water and I can't wait for my soul to be nourished by beef nilaga (beef slowly simmered in broth with tons of vegetables and potatoes) or champorado (chocolate flavored porridge) matched with salted dry fish.  I intend to stay indoors,  I'll get a good book and slowly slide myself inside the comforter and slowly let the gloom rock me to dreamland. Hmmmmmm......

Cars

I’m watching my 3 year old son sprawled on the floor with an ocean of toy cars of different colors and sizes. He scratches his head as if trying to decide which one he would pick then glances at me and asks me “Mommy which one?” I stare back at him and was tempted to say “the red one” or the “big yellow one”, but before I could open my mouth, he blurts out “this one nalang” then grabs a blue plastic corvette with one wheel missing and hugs the tiny toy and smiles a smile of adoration “this is my favorite”.


I wish life was as simple as choosing which toy car am I going to play with today. Will I look at the color? It’s make? How new is it? How expensive it is? Or will I choose the old beaten up one? The one missing a wheel?

How I wish people would also look at me based on my worth, my value and not how I look, how firm and flawless I am or how popular I am. Well, it’s a wish. If people were the opposite I wouldn’t be wishing.

As sceptic as I may seem to be, I still haven’t given up. There will be someone out there like my 3 year old son. Someone who will see past through the physical and the obvious and see the comfort and familiarity of choosing the old battered, beaten but reliable, tried and tested car.

Just don’t take that long to notice and decide, I might be taken out with the garbage.

Masochism

I have started putting my life back in order and have considered looking at getting into a relationship.  The presumptive me thought maybe things will be different this time.  As expected,  I was wrong.  I wrote the blog to vent out my emotions.

I am baffled by my capacity to see beyond someone’s flaw and love despite of. I don’t usually write about feelings, especially if it involves mine. I’d rather stick to the usual observations around me. This time though, I have this urge to talk about me probably due to the lack of someone cerebral I could relate with.


Often times I am seen as someone stoic. Unaffected, always with something logical to say. These past few days though I have witnessed my transformation from someone who is unmoved by circumstances to a being capable of actually showing some emotion.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not numb to what is going on around me. It’s just that I have learned to shield myself from all emotional attachment because of fear of being hurt.

However, Thursday was a humbling experience. Bringing me to terms with my humanity and the fact that no matter how hard I try to pretend that I am not capable of committing the same mistake, I will over and over.

Will I really learn? Or have I turned into a masochist? I think I will never learn….being hurt is such a sweet punishment.

So for now……I will just relish the sweet sweet sensation of getting hurt.

First Time

This is my second blog.  Written a year and a half after my very first blog.  I was in a let's call it a "recovery stage after a year of hell like experience" and one of my closest companion was alcohol.  I wrote this blog as an homage to the my favorite poison.

It all happened at the back of our school bus when i was in grade 6. It was dusk and we were cruising along South Superhighway when I along with 2 of my friends experienced the most pleasurable awakening of the senses that culminated into a frenzy.


I can vividly remember the scent, the taste….the feeling as the bittersweet liquid slowly traveled down my throat. It was heady, musky and I surrendered my soul during that one moment when all I could say was "ahhhhhhh."

It was wild….chaotic….a riot…and it went on and on and on. After a while…it was calm, quiet and all i could do was succumb to the sweet tranquility of sleep.

Ahhhhh……that was the first time…the first time i took a swig at that ever reliable bottle of San Miguel Beer. Thus began my love affair with alcohol……..

Watch out for……Beer Nation

Heat

This was my very first blog.  Written in an internet cafe one sweltering hot summer afternoon. 

Summer….oh yes, with the sweltering heat and the constant sound of my neighbor shaving ice for a very much welcome bowl of halo halo…there’s no doubt that it’s SUMMER.


Taking an afternoon nap is such an ordeal unless off course your bedroom is fully air conditioned…but for the more "fortunate" ones like me, i’d have to settle with the durable electric fan.

I’d love to walk around naked at home but i wouldn’t risk it…unless off course i find getting sued for indecent exposure really exciting….and besides just thinking about it gives me the urge to throw up.

I hate summer…then again i think it’s the heat i hate most.

I’m more of a rainy season type of person. I l-o-v-e the rain. I enjoy listening to the sound of the rain hitting the roof. The branches scratching on the windows because of very stong winds eases my soul. The comes the sinigang or nilaga for lunch and an afternoon nap under you blanker with the gloomy world cradling you.

Ahhhh….i miss the rain…the last time we had rain was months ago and i can’t wait for the first rain of May to soon come. I miss the rain except for the floods. The rain gives me a ease, a sense of peace……darn….it’s sooo hot!!!!!

Let's Begin

I'm not a very tech savy person.  I subscribe to Facebook,  Twitter and the now less popular Friendster.  I like to write.  About my thoughts, my experinces and some spur of the moment interjections.  So I thought,  why not create my own blog spot.  I can consolidate all my online works from the past and create new ones.  And maybe along the way discover new things around me and about myself. I just hope this blogging won't be a temporary interest.